Hanging Out At Krieger's Korner
by Red Witch
Summary: Some shows are timeless. They don't belong anywhere or at any time.


** The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters is hanging out at a chain restaurant. Just more madness and fun from my tiny deranged brain. When there's nothing good on TV, I go…**

**Hanging Out At Krieger's Korner**

"Hey everyone!" Krieger waved as he sat a booth with a table full of food and drinks. "Welcome back to Krieger's Korner! This episode is filmed at JT McDougal's! JT McDougal's! Eat Stuff!"

"It's a rather simplistic catchphrase," Pam remarked as she ate some onion rings. "But it gets the message across."

"If you viewers don't know who my co-hosts are by now," Krieger said. "Boy have you been living under a rock."

"Or the real world," Ray shrugged as he sipped his margarita.

"Okay first the important stuff," Cheryl spoke up as she finished a hot wing. "Good news! My other restaurant Happenings will be opening back up again in just under two weeks. There wasn't that much fire damage. And I was thinking of hiring some new staff anyway. And getting new dishes. And tablecloths. And tables…"

"So until then we're getting our grub on here," Pam explained as she ate a hamburger. "At Cheryl's new restaurant chain. JT McDougal's! Available in five separate locations in California!"

"It's only three locations now," Cheryl said.

"You haven't had this chain for month," Ray asked. "What happened?"

"The wildfires for starters," Cheryl sighed. "Wiped out the one upstate."

"Yikes," Ray winced. "Sorry darlin'."

"I know," Cheryl sighed. "One of my properties burned up and I had **nothing** to do with it! What a bummer!"

"What about the other one?" Pam asked. "Was that wiped out by a fire too?"

"Nope," Cheryl shook her head. "Mudslide."

"Ouch," Pam winced.

"This has **not** been a good year for businesses in California," Cheryl nodded. "As Cyril often reminds us."

"Tell us your **other news** Cheryl," Pam encouraged. "I'm sure our viewers will find that interesting. And if they don't. To hell with 'em!"

"Way to endear us to our viewing public, Pam," Krieger groaned. "Cheryl tell us your news."

"Oh right," Cheryl nodded. "I've decided to write and star in a movie! Based on the life of my Great Grandmother Carlotta Carolina Tunt! Eeee!"

"You're going to make a **movie**?" Ray asked. "Do you know **how** to make a movie?"

"You make up some shit," Cheryl said. "Say it in front of a camera. Hire a guy to add in some music and special effects then hire a really good publicist. What's so hard about that?"

"I think there's one or two steps you're missing, darlin'," Ray said dryly. "Like writing a script for your movie?"

"Like that matters nowadays," Cheryl waved. "Don't worry. If the plot gets too slow, I'll just do what every other movie does. Throw in some nudity and explosions. It'll be fine."

"When did you decide to do this?" Krieger asked.

"About an hour ago," Cheryl said. "When I saw the list of this year's movies nominated for an Oscar. Then I realized that I didn't see any of them. I mean, almost all of them are films with a message with great acting, beautiful cinematography and a visionary way of looking at the world. You know? Self-indulgent crap that barely breaks even at the box office."

"Not all of it is," Pam pointed out. "What about that one movie? The one with all the singing? That got nominated for Best Picture!"

"And it **lost,**" Cheryl said.

"Well technically it did win," Krieger paused. "For fifteen seconds."

"And the movie that did win I never even **heard** **of**!" Cheryl snapped.

"Did you ever **see** the movie?" Ray asked.

"Why would I see _the movie_?" Cheryl asked. "I was never a big fan of the TV show. Don't get me wrong Cybil Shepherd is great. But that Bruce Willis guy…"

"Not Moon**lighting**!" Ray snapped. "Moon…Never mind. Not important. I didn't see it either."

"I haven't seen that many movies that were nominated either," Pam admitted. "Except that superhero movie! That was kick ass!"

"You know the only reason it was nominated was because nobody else saw the **other **movies, right?" Cheryl asked. "There's a **reason **the ratings for the Oscars have gone downhill every year."

"Why don't we talk about your movie?" Krieger asked.

"Good because that movie is definitely **not** going to be boring," Cheryl said.

"Didn't think it would be with you in it," Ray said.

"It's based on my great grandmother's actual life," Cheryl said. "About her early life and her courtship with my great grandfather. And how they built an empire together. You know it was her idea to come up with first class compartments. And putting lights on the train so when it runs at night you can see where it is going. That was all her."

"Really?" Ray asked.

"Of course, I can't show **everything** that happened," Cheryl said. "I mean I know there's some editing involved. If I put everything in the movie would be like fifteen hours long and nobody wants to just sit around that much watching a movie."

"You would be surprised," Pam remarked.

"And there's some other stuff I gotta leave out," Cheryl added. "Like all the affairs she used to have before she married my great grandfather. Well the ones that ended up in an abortion. And a couple of hangings."

"What?" Ray did a double take.

"And then there was also the stuff about great grandma seducing some of great grandfather's business competitors," Cheryl went on. "Stealing their ideas. And poisoning some of them."

"What?" Pam did a double take.

"Now I want to say it was her idea to get involved with arms trading with the Kaiser," Cheryl blinked. "But I don't know which one."

"WHAT?" Krieger did a double take.

"And then there was the huge fire at…" Cheryl began.

Just then a phone rang. "Hang on," Cheryl groaned. "It's my phone."

Cheryl answered her phone. "What? What? What do you mean? How did you know about **that?** Seriously? But…But…Okay fine! I didn't really want to do it **anyway!** I said I wouldn't do it! Fine! SHUT UP! Fine! Ughhh!"

"Trouble?" Pam asked as Cheryl hung up.

Cheryl said. "I just got a cease and desist order for my movie."

"How is **that possible**?" Ray asked. "You just decided to make it!"

"It's from the lawyers at my company," Cheryl said. "To be fair, they do have a standard boiler plate order set up just in case anyone in my family wants to make a movie about any of my relatives. There's some real scandalous shit in my family's past."

"No kidding," Ray said dryly.

Pam looked at the camera. "This feed's live streaming isn't it?"

"Duh!" Krieger remarked. "Let's talk about something else."

"That would be the wisest course of action," Ray remarked.

"I've got it!" Krieger said. "We can talk about some science news. This is technically supposed to be a science show."

"Since **when**?" Pam blinked.

"News to me," Cheryl agreed.

"Okay I've written a few topics down this time," Krieger pulled out some note cards. "First up, scientists are studying evidence that climate change can affect the economy. Extreme weather may hinder and/or destroy businesses."

"No? **Really?**" Cheryl asked sarcastically. "I had **no idea!" **

"Okay that does seem rather obvious now," Krieger coughed.

"YOU **THINK?**" Cheryl snapped.

"Next topic," Krieger went to the next card. "It is a fact that polar bears run faster than professional football players."

"What did they do?" Pam asked. "Have a polar bear chase a football player? That's unfair! Especially if they're running on ice! Of course the polar bear is going to be **faster!** He has the homefield advantage!"

"Depends on how deep their cleats are," Ray added.

"Next topic," Krieger went to the next card. "Using data from supernovas, scientists have discovered that the universe expands at the same rate in all directions."

"Just like Pam's waistline," Cheryl said.

"Watch it Skinny Skank!" Pam made a fist.

"Next," Krieger went on. "You can't recall a single memory all by itself."

"I'm lucky I can remember anything at all," Cheryl admitted.

"What I mean is," Krieger explained. "The brain's hippocampus, that's the part that stores memories, packages memories together and stores them."

"Like a warehouse," Pam asked.

"Exactly," Krieger said. "One memory is connected to all kinds of memories. Like you were trying to remember a day out with your friends. You remember not only what you did, but what clothes you and your friends were wearing. What the weather was like. Things like that."

Cheryl paused. "Nope. Drawing a blank here."

"No surprises there," Ray rolled his eyes. "On to the next one Krieger."

"Did you know that the majority of burned out fat comes out of the body while breathing?" Krieger asked. "About 84 percent is converted to carbon dioxide and comes out of our lungs!"

TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT!

"How much do you think **that** was?" Pam snickered after she farted.

"Oh gross!" Cheryl wrinkled her nose.

"God damn Pam!" Ray groaned.

TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT

"That's a 12 pounder **right there!"** Krieger groaned.

"Sorry," Pam apologized. "I think it's the onion rings."

"Smells like burnt rubber," Krieger winced. "And not in a good way."

TOOOOOOOOOOOOOTT!

"Move over Richard Simmons," Ray groaned. "Pam Poovey with her new exercise craze. Farting to the Oldies!"

"Next fact Krieger!" Cheryl shouted. "PLEASE!"

"Somebody open a window!" Ray groaned.

"Fun fact," Krieger said. "Alcohol makes your body feel like it's being burned!"

"Why do you think I **like it** so much?" Cheryl snapped. "DUH!"

"Another fact," Krieger said. "Stars are made of matter!"

"I don't think _that fact_ **matters**," Pam said. "Keep going."

"Your taste buds have an average lifespan of ten days," Krieger said.

"Less if you eat a lot of hot sauce," Ray remarked.

"He's not wrong," Pam agreed.

Krieger went on. "Some trees become fire resistant when they get older."

"Redwoods and sequoias," Cheryl grumbled. "Trust me **I know** this one."

"She would," Ray nodded.

"Sleep deprivation will kill you faster than starvation," Krieger went on.

"Especially if you're driving a semi on the highway," Pam nodded.

"How about this one?" Krieger asked. "Scientists have just discovered that early versions of a Tyrannosaurus Rex started out as no bigger than deer."

"Then how did they get so big?" Ray asked.

"How **else?**" Cheryl asked. "Steroids! Duh! Oh great. I think I'm back in the habit of saying Duh again!"

"Duh," Ray gave her a look.

"Touché," Cheryl nodded.

"And that's all the science facts we have today," Krieger looked into the camera.

"Really?" Pam asked. "You couldn't get more facts off the internet?"

"I would have but Mitsuko said she wanted to use the computer," Krieger admitted.

"Are you two back together?" Ray asked.

"Not really," Krieger admitted. "We've decided to stay friends and see where it goes."

"Do you have any idea where **she goes** when she's not in your lab?" Ray asked.

"Not a clue," Krieger said honestly. "Coincidentally I don't have one for the next topic for the show."

"How about we talk about your new restaurant chain Cheryl?" Pam asked. "We can plug it for a bit?"

"You mean like do a restaurant review?" Cheryl asked.

"Exactly," Pam said. "Because there's some good food here. Some not so good."

"Are you talking about the chili nachos?" Cheryl asked. "Because yeah, I tasted them and they are **not** good!"

"You need to work on that," Krieger admitted. "And the pizza. It tastes like cardboard."

Ray lifted a pizza slice. "That's because it **is cardboard**! Whoever cut this left the carboard on the bottom!"

"Stay away from the nachos and the pizza," Cheryl nodded. "Got it."

"And if I'm going to be a hundred percent honest," Pam looked at some food. "The onion rings could be better. They taste like rubber."

"Hang on," Krieger looked at an onion ring and scraped off some of the batter. "This is rubber. Some of these are rubber bands! Fried rubber bands!"

"Your restaurant fries **rubber bands?"** Ray snapped.

"That also explains the taste of the French fries," Pam blinked. "They must use the same oil."

"Yeah I thought they tasted a little weird too," Cheryl admitted.

"Starting to see why you only have three restaurants in the chain left," Ray remarked.

"Actually two," Cheryl admitted. "One was closed yesterday by the board of health. I mean it's still technically there…"

"Is there anything **good **in this restaurant?" Ray asked. "Before I go use the men's room and vomit out my meal?"

"The burgers are good," Pam said. "They're even well done. And they don't taste like hockey pucks!"

"I like them," Cheryl nodded as she ate.

"They are tasty," Krieger nodded as he chomped on his burger. "You can really taste the snake meat! So flavorful!"

"**What?"** Ray and Cheryl shouted.

"You can really taste the snake," Pam nodded as she chomped. "What? Snake meat is lean and full of protein."

"I think I'm going to sell this chain," Cheryl winced as she put down the burger. "And fire the idiot who bought it for me."

"Good idea," Ray winced. "I think I'm going to invest in a stomach pump."

"It's not that bad guys," Pam said. "Look at all this fun décor and frills!"

"It looks like the offspring of a TGI Friday's and a Cracker Barrel," Ray remarked. "And some really weird old pictures. Like that one fat guy on a train."

"Wait a minute," Cheryl did a double take. "I **know** that picture! I've **seen** that picture!"

"When?" Pam asked.

"Whenever my grandparents were bitching about never being able to hold a public office!" Cheryl snapped. "That's a political cartoon about my family's train monopoly back in the day!"

"_Seriously?"_ Krieger did a double take. "Huh…The fat guy has a sash saying Tunt. Okay…"

"That's an Anti-Tunt propaganda poster!" Cheryl snapped. "That's just offensive!"

"Really?" Pam asked. "**That **you find **offensive?**"

Cheryl looked around. "Oh my God! There's **more **of them!"

Pam looked at one. "Question, why is that one depicting a Tunt swimming in pudding?"

"Major scandal back in the old days," Cheryl sighed. "One of my uncles was caught swimming in a giant pool of pudding with a senator's wife."

"And **that one**?" Ray pointed to another picture.

"Uncle Cornelius J. Tunt's bribery scandal," Cheryl told him.

"That one?" Krieger pointed.

"My Uncle Caesar Augustus Aloysius Tunt's Toy Factory Fire," Cheryl groaned.

"What about **that one**?" Ray pointed.

"That's when my father bought that orphanage," Cheryl sighed. "And then a mysterious fire burned it to the ground. And he then turned it into the Grand Tuntmore. Nothing was proven of course. But boy, people sure get pissed when you end up with a lot of dead orphans."

"And _that one?"_ Pam pointed.

"The time my great-grandfather got into a flame war with the KKK," Cheryl said. "And I mean **actual **flame wars. Like he **burned down** a few businesses and meeting places over a big grudge he had against the organization."

"I thought your great grandfather was **part **of the KKK?" Pam asked.

"He was," Cheryl said. "Until he got kicked out. For two reasons. One, he was screwing all the black maids. And not just ours. He was also screwing the maids of some of his associates in the Klan. Apparently, they frown on that."

"What was the other reason?" Ray asked.

"He burned one cross too many," Cheryl said. "Inside a church. A **white **church. During a wedding ceremony of the Grand Dragon's son. And of course, the fire ended up burning all the flowers, and the altar. And the bride's dress. And the bride's mother when she tried to put it out."

"I guess there are some lines even violent racists think go too far," Ray remarked. "Now that I look around this place's décor really is bad."

"It's not that bad!" Pam snapped.

"Oh my god," Ray saw something. "There's a KKK hood next to a picture of a cross burning over there!"

"Okay **that's **bad," Pam admitted.

"Starting to see why not too many minorities are eating here Cheryl," Krieger blinked.

"I don't see too many people eating here **period!**" Ray snapped. "Although that could be because of the onion rings."

"Okay," Cheryl picked up her phone and made a call. "It's me. Say how fast can we unload this JT McDougal's dump box? **Seriously?** How hard can it be to get rid of two and a half restaurants? Yes, the half one is the one that's closed down. Oh…It's gone? What happened? **Another **mudslide?"

"It's just as well," Krieger shrugged.

"How hard is it to unload two restaurants then?" Cheryl asked. "What? How the hell can a restaurant fall off a **cliff?"**

Cheryl listened in. "Oh, I see. It was on the edge of a parking lot near a beach and there was some erosion. Okay fine. Tell me, what **exactly** is the fire insurance policy on this restaurant? Really? Interesting. Okay fine. I'll call you back. One more thing. **Whose idea** was it to buy JT McDougal's? Really? Tell him he is **so fired**!"

Cheryl made a face. "I don't care **how long** he's been with the company! His ass is **out** of here! Well you said he was going to retire in two weeks anyway so think of it as leaving ahead of schedule! You can have his office and his salary. I thought that would do it."

She hung up the phone. "I have to go to the bathroom. Ray would you like to come with me to the bathroom?"

"Why?" Ray asked.

"The bathrooms are nice," Cheryl said. "And…Interesting. Just come with me please?"

"Okay…" Ray got up with her. "Apparently we're going to the bathrooms." They left the booth.

"Why didn't she ask **me** to go to the bathroom?" Pam blinked. "Of course, wouldn't you know it? The one time I **don't** have to take a dump."

"Really?" Krieger wrinkled his nose. "Smells like you do."

"No, I think the onion rubber bands are plugging me up," Pam sighed. "I **hate** when that happens."

"You've eaten fried rubber bands **before**?" Krieger was stunned.

"More times than I care to admit, yes," Pam sighed. "Mostly during a few eating competitions when the sponsors tried to cheat. Didn't work."

"I think it's safe to say for our viewers that we give this restaurant a thumbs down," Krieger said.

"I'd give this restaurant a toilet seat up!" Pam groaned. "Can't wait until Happenings is back open."

"Me too," Krieger nodded. "Pam I've been meaning to ask you something. Is there any food that you won't eat?"

"Well yeah," Pam said. "I can't eat soy based fake seafood. I'm allergic."

"But you've eaten that **before,"** Krieger explained. "Several times. We've gone through several epi-pens. I'm asking if there's any food you **won't** eat."

"Oh, **won't eat!"** Pam realized. "Huh. I don't know. I've never been a picky eater." She put one of the onion rings to her mouth.

"Pam!" Krieger slapped it away.

"What?" Pam snapped. "Oh right. The rubber bands."

"I think my question has just been answered," Krieger sighed.

"Here's a question I have," Pam said. "Why the hell did Cheryl want to bring Ray with her?"

Just then the fire alarm sounded. "Ohhhh…" Pam and Krieger said at the same time.

**"That's** why!" Krieger groaned.

"We should have seen this one coming," Pam groaned as they got up.

"We really should have," Krieger agreed as he got the camera.

The camera image was replaced for a bit with an image of Piggly nibbling on some wires. The words HOLD ON! TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES!

Then the scene shifted to outside. The restaurant was on fire. Cheryl was outside talking into the phone. "Okay tomorrow I'll have Cyril sign some forms saying that this was started by some bad wiring or something. Yeah. Right. Once again, I have to save our asses. You're welcome!"

"Another arson incident huh?" Pam asked Cheryl as she hung up.

"I can honestly say as a witness, she **didn't** set this fire," Ray added.

"It was faulty wiring," Cheryl said. "Which all the chefs in the kitchen can attest to and they totally weren't paid off to say so."

"And neither was I," Ray added. "On an unrelated topic does anybody want to go to a **good bar** and have some drinks and decent appetizers?"

"Sounds good to me," Krieger said. "And this is a good as place as any to say another episode of Krieger's Korner has come to an end."

"Too bad it's not the last episode of Krieger's Korner," Ray sighed. "So this particular bit of insanity can end."

"So Cheryl," Pam asked. "What other restaurants do you own?"

Everyone looked at Pam. "Too soon?" Pam asked.


End file.
